Just thought I would post an update. Feeling better each day, I smile more and it feels great. There are still moments, but now they are fleeting. So I talked to V today@ work after she sent me a text. I never thought I would hear from her after our date. I just told her that first dates are usually awkward for me and that I do not date coworkers as a rule but I would like to hang out with her sometime soon. She didn't find the date awkward, and in a follow up text message this afternoon she said that she just thought I did not find her interesting and i did not want to go out again which would have been fine...but she's glad thats not it. So lets see where this thing goes, no hope or agenda. Just spend time and see where things go.


On the drive home I heard eminem and rhianna's collab titled love the way you lie and it summed up my previous relationship, well minus the physical violence and threats. One verse:

Now I know we said things Did things That we didn't mean And we fall back Into the same patterns Same routine But your temper's just as bad As mine is You're the same as me But when it comes to love You're just as blinded.

So I had a coworker talk to me and ask me advice about his relationship/break up situation. I just found that a little ironic I guess. Its crazy how we find ourselves in similar situations with regards to our relationships, I'm just a little further into the break up then they are. 


I had everybody over for a bbq, my first gathering involving the guys and girls with out her. It was great. I had to show them that I can do stuff without her and that I am feeling more and more normal as each day passes. Linus and Julie are getting married, I'm so stoked, its happening next month! I really should not be concerned but I find myself thinking about whether or not she will be there and whether I should bring a date in case she does. I realize the immaturity and absurdity of this thought. I mean its letting her influence me, giving her power over making my decision to bring a date. There are still moments, I had one first thing this morning for some reason, but I managed to talk myself out of it. I just tell myself that she's living a life of her choice, a life without me in it and I deserve to be happy. I realize that it has been more than 30 days and I am proud of my progress. I know now to acknowledge the feelings, but not to dwell on them. 


I have been keeping busy, trying to make it to the gym when I can and I usually feel 10 times better after I have gone. I am working on improving myself which is keeps me busy. I know that there are options out there, far better than what I had. I just have to be patient enough and just go with the flow and see what happens. 

Month's end

So its day 30 today. I cannot believe that all that time has passed. The book has been really helpful in helping me through these 30 days and I have learned many things about myself that I had never known or cared to face before now. I'm feeling way better than I did initially, I've got my routine and it has helped.


The things I have learned: I was codependent on her for affection, happiness and approval. I needed her validation because my own was not good enough (that's painful to type). I made her the centre of my happiness, much to my dismay. I stayed because of these issues, because I felt that I wasn't good enough to find someone else, that this was my only shot at happiness. I need to work on accepting myself for the person that I am, to realize that happiness comes from within one's self and not from others. That I do not need another's approval, the only one that matters is my own. The book says if you really want the love of another to be real in this world, don't need that person. How profound! I based my daily routine around her, and that's why I felt so alone and lost initially even though we didn't live together. She was the first thing on my mind each day, it was an addiction.


I've been out on one date, however awkward that experience was lols, it just shows that I'm attractive to some, but it was just a distraction for me. There are still moments that come, I acknowledge them, but do not dwell on them like I used to. She is living a life of her own choosing, without me and dwelling on the past relationship merely gives her ghost power over me. I have started to move forward, cautiously optimistic and always open minded.
For this experience I am most thankful, for the memories and for the lessons. I do not know when I will start dating again, but it is my fervent wish that my next relationship be better than my previous. It will be because of all that I have learned about myself. 

slowly but surely

So its now day 19. I feel a bit better as each day goes on. Been keeping busy by spending time with family and friends as well as heading out on my own. Started working out as well, to fill time. I also did sign up for two online dating sites, just to see what's out there and it is a welcome distraction. It helps to see what's out there. There have been two texts just asking me how I am doing and a comment about how tiring night shift is. I have resisted the urge to try and go back to old habits. There are still moments of panic and loneliness, but I just take it in and relax. I think of all the bad moments in the relationship and my unmet needs, so why stay? I deserve to be in a great relationship, a relationship that is enriching and not stifling. A relationship that has long term potential. I've got my act together so there's bound to be someone out there for me. Those positive self talk statements help. I'm have realized that anger turned inward is destructive, and there's no sense being mad or upset at someone when they aren't here to see or hear about it. There are things I can control and I will focus on those rather than the things I cannot control. She is living a life of her own choosing, with out me and I should accept that and continue to move forward.