pieces, pieces everywhere...

Went to work today, glad for the distraction. Thoughts of her still come rushing in, I wonder what she's doing, etc. I feel an emptiness in my chest, fleeting moments of panic and despair; that I will never find another, insecurities rush to the forefront, I'm fat, I can't dress well, etc. Then thankfully it's over. I wanted so desperately to call, to work things out again, to hear her voice. I wanted a future for us, I thought she was the one, please come back...then I called Laura, since I can talk myself into doing anything, even things I said I wouldn't do. She was very calm and helped me see the situation for what it was, what would I achieve by calling? instant gratification for a few minutes, then what? I told her how hard its for me and how looking at things now, all my issues with our previous relationship don't seem that bad, that I could put up with them because it definitely looks better than being alone. To which she pointed out that I was settling, and that I should never settle and that I deserve better. All these emotions are normal, and will feel better as time goes on. 
Went to my parent's for dinner after work, so happy to see them, to express how I feel. I've never been one to discuss stuff with my parents but it helps tons. I told them about the stuff behind the couch. I tell them that its hard because they were cool with her and her family was great with me, its nice just to vent. I still find myself waiting for her call, even though I have deleted her from my phone and email. I also deleted all the stuff off my macbook. The drive home was uneventful, I still find myself checking my phone to see if she has called or if I had missed her call, this isn't healthy and must stop soon.


Remember, guys: In the famous words of W.E. Henley, "You are the master of your fate and the captain of your soul."

Saturday Part Deux

Back home now. Had spent the morning with Laura and Marianne and they are fully appraised of the situation. Their opinions have been pretty consistent in the past, and this was a lesson I had to learn on my own, in my own time. Spent some time with the family before heading back. They say I can do better, but I am not sure at this time. I have told her that she was perfect for me. I told her that the spaces between my hands are where her fingers fit perfectly, to which she replied...any girl's fingers would fit perfectly.


Started cleaning house as soon as I got back, felt therapeutic like a fresh start. She still crosses my mind and I know it will be for some time yet. I did read the book today, although in the past I've only made it to day 3 before we got back together. I wanted to call, just to say "hi", just to hear her voice but I managed not to do so. I don't know why the silence feels so different, I mean we never talked much, just once or twice during the course of the day and almost all the time I spend alone at home. Looking forward to the distraction that is work, five straight starts tomorrow and its her birthday on Tuesday (I did wish her happy birthday yesterday). Hard to believe its only been about 24 hours since I last spoke or seen her, it feels like more time has passed.

Saturday

Woke up about 10 mins ago, the house is quiet, there is some comfort in knowing that my family are only a few steps away. Planning on heading back this morning, thoughts of her have crossed my mind this early in the day, and I know there will be more to come. I am calm today. We stayed at Tims till 0030 this morning just shooting the shit. The guys have asked if an engagement is in order, they still do not know. I have dropped vague hints that it is over, the laughed of course they have heard it all before. You say you guys fight but when we see you together you both seem ok they say. 


Just recalling last night's conversation is making me miss her already. I feel a sense of longing, like all I want to do right now is to just pick up the phone and talk to her, to make plans for the day. Then I think about why we broke up. She was never an emotional person as she explained, and was never raised that way. No one in her family ever really says"I love you" or talks openly about their emotions. I told her that I didn't feel appreciated at times, that it seemed that I looked forward to seeing her more than she did. Even initially, she wasn't that affectionate but that improved somewhat over the course of our relationship. I did feel that I was taken for granted, that no matter what she did I would still be there. She responded many a time that if she didn't care for me then she wouldn't be with me or spend time with my family and vice versa. I need to be told once in a while that I am appreciated, that I mean something to someone, that over the course of the day to let me know that I do cross their mind. I never really got that validation. Or when talking about the state of our relationship which she finds "annoying" Not that I want to hear these things on a daily basis, I'm not a narcissist by any means. But once in a while its nice to hear these things, a little means a lot.


So we were already at an impasse. Do I stay and just deal with things the way they are, without feeling appreciated, hoping one day things will improve. Maybe she's still hurt from her previous relationship and is not too trusting or is unsure about my intentions, etc. Oh the ways I have tried to rationalize it all. Some people at work have told me that she's not the one, even before we ended our relationship. But having her around until something better comes along? That's just mean and I wouldn't appreciate it if it was done to me.
Do I leave? Leave it all behind because even if I stay, these issues are still under the surface, just waiting for an opportunity to come out. And no one really likes to hear "complaints" about them. Maybe there is something better and because life is too short to be unhappy. As hard as it is to leave, that was my decision. Our relationship had run its course at the present time. 


There is some comfort in a clean break. Knowing that you were both honest with each other about the relationship and decided to break it off cleanly before anyone did anything hurtful.

Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim...

Be patient and tough, someday this pain will be useful to you. Today will be the last day I will be seeing her, for how long I am unsure. We met up one last time for any last words left unspoken to be spoken, for closure, for apologies. It's hard to acknowledge the end of a relationship, to know that what was once just a phone call away is now out of reach, all the hopes and dreams now changed. The conversation was emotional but not hostile, we are both at the same point with regards to our relationship. She followed me home so I could give back her stuff, just a pillow, toothbrush, t-shirt and pjs. Kind of immature I guess, but it just helps me acknowledge the fact that she's gone. But I'm keeping my Northface jacket, you won't be getting this back I say, she smiles. One last hug and we kiss on the cheek, take care. I turned away and closed the garage door, no looking back. Now I type this from my old room at my parent's house since I am on call tonight. Heading out for coffee with the guys later on. 


Talked to my family about it, they seemed to know right away, I guess we've done this enough times already encouraging words spoken. Emotionally I feel sad and lonely and alone. It's funny because we never lived together, we just talked everyday around 20 mins or so of conversation and she would stay over a weekend or two out of the month or spend a day hanging out or watching a movie. I will endure, I must endure. I will take the time to grieve, to celebrate and to heal. Just typing this out helps...

On walking away...

"There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you, let them walk. 
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you,
coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean, hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody who left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. 
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

It doesn't mean that they are a bad person; it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when peoples' part in your story is over 
so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift. I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. 
Stop begging people to stay."

A letter to her

I wish things could be different, I wish i didn't have to walk away from us. I stand by all the things I have said repeatedly, however hurtful or wonderful they may be. My feelings for you will never change, I hope they will diminish over time. I love you, never have I said those three words with more sincerity. People have told me that one day when you least expect it, someone will come into your life and throw all that you have steadfastly believed in upside down and you wouldn't even notice. That someone was you. Before you, I never wanted to get married or to have children. I always thought of marriage as being so final, I mean people break up all the time and marriage just makes things messier and having children is expensive, etc. That all changed one summer morning. You were there helping me with the move and everything was just settling down that weekend. Early that saturday morning I turn over in bed and saw your sleeping face, so beautiful and peaceful and realized how wonderful it would be if I could wake up to you every morning and maybe even start a family together. I will not mourn what hasn't come to pass and I will always be thankful for all the times we have shared together. In closing, without hope or agenda I wish you and your family all the best. 

First thoughts

While I breathe, I hope. A fitting title for my blog and where I am in my life at this point. This is my first ever blog, I have toyed with the idea of starting a blog but haven't really had the time or the inspiration to do so...until now.

This will be a collection of my musings and random thoughts. I'm hoping this will be cathartic as well.