Went to work today, glad for the distraction. Thoughts of her still come rushing in, I wonder what she's doing, etc. I feel an emptiness in my chest, fleeting moments of panic and despair; that I will never find another, insecurities rush to the forefront, I'm fat, I can't dress well, etc. Then thankfully it's over. I wanted so desperately to call, to work things out again, to hear her voice. I wanted a future for us, I thought she was the one, please come back...then I called Laura, since I can talk myself into doing anything, even things I said I wouldn't do. She was very calm and helped me see the situation for what it was, what would I achieve by calling? instant gratification for a few minutes, then what? I told her how hard its for me and how looking at things now, all my issues with our previous relationship don't seem that bad, that I could put up with them because it definitely looks better than being alone. To which she pointed out that I was settling, and that I should never settle and that I deserve better. All these emotions are normal, and will feel better as time goes on.
Went to my parent's for dinner after work, so happy to see them, to express how I feel. I've never been one to discuss stuff with my parents but it helps tons. I told them about the stuff behind the couch. I tell them that its hard because they were cool with her and her family was great with me, its nice just to vent. I still find myself waiting for her call, even though I have deleted her from my phone and email. I also deleted all the stuff off my macbook. The drive home was uneventful, I still find myself checking my phone to see if she has called or if I had missed her call, this isn't healthy and must stop soon.
Remember, guys: In the famous words of W.E. Henley, "You are the master of your fate and the captain of your soul."
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