Perspective...

Worked again today. Definitely better than yesterday, and that's always a plus. Its day 3! Talked to Louise and Mel about wishing her a happy birthday tomorrow, they both feel that I should at least send a text message. Deb, Linda, Marianne and Sharon disagree. They say that I should just get on with it and look forward, not back. I did wish her happy birthday 3 days ago so that counts. They all say that I got my stuff together and that I deserve a partner who will work with me and be supportive of my needs and goals. I do see their point, I haven't been happy lately and have just been settling because I fear being alone. I no longer have to wait for the phone call, the routine conversations, wondering what she's doing, etc. I save my self the mind spin that occurs along with the nagging doubts about honesty and fidelity that I have tried to work out since last March, but still persist up to this point.  Talked to mom today as I was walking out, basically the same sentiments. If she cannot accept help in finding a job then how is that supposed to work in a relationship, sometimes too much pride is detrimental. Do I want to be responsible for her along with her family? How can I be with someone who was until recently the primary breadwinner for her family and have to contend with their influence, whether intended or unintended. She had expressed some frustration that she cannot even move out or start her own life because of her family's dependence on her for financial support. All things aside, the fact remains that it is still over between us. I need to keep focusing on myself and what I can improve and enjoy with my new free time. I will always be thankful for all the memories, but I will not dwell on the past or what could have been. The book says that today I should take a "poor me" holiday where I just explore all the emotions all in one day and be done with them as opposed to doing this on a daily basis.


I fear that I will never find anybody else, that I will be alone, that I will never find another relationship. Looking and reading these words that I have typed has shown me that these are things that have not come to pass, but if I focus on them then it will be a self fulfilling prophesy. Life goes on and its up to me whether I go along with it. What I have lost in this relationship is the companionship, the intimacy. I have kept all that I went into the relationship and have lost nothing material. I'm still me, maybe slightly out of shape, but that I can definitely change! Still the same person she gave her phone number to (knowing that I would ask for it) the same person she went out on dates with, etc. Hopefully in time there will be another she. Now I know I will still have to endure the rollercoaster of emotions that have yet to come my way, but I just need to maintain my perspective.