Some mad hope...

Its sunday (day 9). Haven't updated this blog since wednesday. 5 straight 12s ended on Friday morning. So thursday evening I get a text from her at around 1730. "Just so you know, I discovered you can add someone on your costco card." I felt happy, then angry then sad. We haven't spoken for about 6 days and all she can text me is some stuff about a costco card?!!! I felt happy cause she texted, but then when the euphoria passed, the anger and sadness set in. I talked to Laura about it and she sees it as a control thing on her part. To see if I would still respond, to see if she could still get me to respond. My cynical mind saw it as perhaps and fyi since she already added or got added onto someone (presumably a new bf's) costco card. Damn that shit about a costco card, or simply the message was sent erroneously, which I find hard to believe. Laura doesn't think thats the case, but simply to generate a response. Either way it shouldn't make that much difference to me. I don't have to feel anything about it, unless I make myself. Went to work that night and showed Louise the text, she shares Laura's opinion, that it is simply an exercise in control. Louise asked if she ever talked about her feelings, to which I replied no, not really because she wasn't raised that way.The more I think about it, the more apparent it becomes that our relationship is dead. Friday night I went out for coffee with Alfred and Ron and they ended up bringing over pizza and some vodka. During the course of the evening and into early morning, I bared my soul to them, and I didn't care. I told them about how I love her, how I wanted a future for us and how she knew all this and there was nothing left unsaid between us and how much this hurts right now. Ron and Louise had great insight. I have never owned a house before, so naturally she would be the first girl I would have woken up with in my house. Also the fact that my desire to settle down and have a committed relationship is simply a product of where I am in my life instead of it being because I met her or because of her. I said that it takes two people to be in a relationship and one person cannot do the work because that builds resentment which will eventually boil to the surface. I told them about March, a story they already knew except for the car door part which they now know. I told them her words: "i'm not what you want" "i won't ask you to stay", or how she called me a whiner once while I was venting. I also told them how I felt like I was being punished for stuff I didn't do. I know her last relationship ended badly and that has influence on how guarded she is, but if she cannot see what's in front of her; a guy who is totally in love with her and wants to be with her, then there's no point. Alfred has always been steadfast with his advice. This has happened to all of us at least once. At least once there will be a girl who will gut you, to which I replied, I feel eviscerated. I did more things well this time around, compared to my previous relationships. I openly trusted, brought her into my life, shared my fears, hopes and dreams and was not afraid of commitment, and look at where it gets me. Alfred said its also has a lot to do with timing, being at the right place, the right time and with the right person. Simply put, it wasn't our time and we don't know how things will turn out. A relationship is work but it shouldn't be that hard. Someone questioned my opening up so quickly to someone to which I responded with the sex and condom analogy. You can have sex with a condom and yes it's safe and feels alright, but sex without a condom feels so much better but carries so much risk. The same rings true of a relationship. Put yourself out there, don't hold anything back and hopefully things will work out, if not then you risk being hurt. Thats what happened, I put myself out there and I got hurt. I told them about the text message and Alfred also saw it as a control thing, she's reaching out and wants to talk but she can't say it because of pride, etc. I haven't responded yet, and I don't think I will. What would it change? She will still be the same in all respects, same reasoning, same thoughts same feelings. Going back would only ease the pain temporarily, until the next fight/break up and thats just too emotionally draining. Why keep at it knowing that the next break up is only one fight away? Then have to repeat this whole process over again. I wouldn't stay until I found someone better because I certainly wouldn't want that to be done to me. She can't even tell me that she misses me in a text message, all she can send is some stuff about a costco card??!! Ron and I went to Buffalo on saturday and that was a welcome distraction. Then we picked up Alfred and went to go see Linus. We stayed there for a bit until Julie came home and they started to make dinner so we left. Linus asked how I was doing and I asked him how she was doing. He didn't know but he mentioned that the girls were heading over to Demetres for her birthday today. Every time I see Linus and Julie, I keep thinking how I want a relationship like theirs. It seems so effortless, they are so in tune with one another, so perfect for one another. When will it be my turn??? Then I lament my own failed relationship, I wanted a relationship like theirs and placed all that hope into one person which did not work out. And I don't know why I feel that my chance for a relationship has ended with this one, its not logical. I know people who have found new love, new relationships after divorce or the death of a spouse.There is someone for everyone and I just have to keep looking. Would going back to the familiar really change anything? Emotionally I think so, but rationally, no. There would have to be a fundamental change, which seems impossible.