Just thought I would post an update. Feeling better each day, I smile more and it feels great. There are still moments, but now they are fleeting. So I talked to V today@ work after she sent me a text. I never thought I would hear from her after our date. I just told her that first dates are usually awkward for me and that I do not date coworkers as a rule but I would like to hang out with her sometime soon. She didn't find the date awkward, and in a follow up text message this afternoon she said that she just thought I did not find her interesting and i did not want to go out again which would have been fine...but she's glad thats not it. So lets see where this thing goes, no hope or agenda. Just spend time and see where things go.


On the drive home I heard eminem and rhianna's collab titled love the way you lie and it summed up my previous relationship, well minus the physical violence and threats. One verse:

Now I know we said things Did things That we didn't mean And we fall back Into the same patterns Same routine But your temper's just as bad As mine is You're the same as me But when it comes to love You're just as blinded.

So I had a coworker talk to me and ask me advice about his relationship/break up situation. I just found that a little ironic I guess. Its crazy how we find ourselves in similar situations with regards to our relationships, I'm just a little further into the break up then they are. 


I had everybody over for a bbq, my first gathering involving the guys and girls with out her. It was great. I had to show them that I can do stuff without her and that I am feeling more and more normal as each day passes. Linus and Julie are getting married, I'm so stoked, its happening next month! I really should not be concerned but I find myself thinking about whether or not she will be there and whether I should bring a date in case she does. I realize the immaturity and absurdity of this thought. I mean its letting her influence me, giving her power over making my decision to bring a date. There are still moments, I had one first thing this morning for some reason, but I managed to talk myself out of it. I just tell myself that she's living a life of her choice, a life without me in it and I deserve to be happy. I realize that it has been more than 30 days and I am proud of my progress. I know now to acknowledge the feelings, but not to dwell on them. 


I have been keeping busy, trying to make it to the gym when I can and I usually feel 10 times better after I have gone. I am working on improving myself which is keeps me busy. I know that there are options out there, far better than what I had. I just have to be patient enough and just go with the flow and see what happens. 

Month's end

So its day 30 today. I cannot believe that all that time has passed. The book has been really helpful in helping me through these 30 days and I have learned many things about myself that I had never known or cared to face before now. I'm feeling way better than I did initially, I've got my routine and it has helped.


The things I have learned: I was codependent on her for affection, happiness and approval. I needed her validation because my own was not good enough (that's painful to type). I made her the centre of my happiness, much to my dismay. I stayed because of these issues, because I felt that I wasn't good enough to find someone else, that this was my only shot at happiness. I need to work on accepting myself for the person that I am, to realize that happiness comes from within one's self and not from others. That I do not need another's approval, the only one that matters is my own. The book says if you really want the love of another to be real in this world, don't need that person. How profound! I based my daily routine around her, and that's why I felt so alone and lost initially even though we didn't live together. She was the first thing on my mind each day, it was an addiction.


I've been out on one date, however awkward that experience was lols, it just shows that I'm attractive to some, but it was just a distraction for me. There are still moments that come, I acknowledge them, but do not dwell on them like I used to. She is living a life of her own choosing, without me and dwelling on the past relationship merely gives her ghost power over me. I have started to move forward, cautiously optimistic and always open minded.
For this experience I am most thankful, for the memories and for the lessons. I do not know when I will start dating again, but it is my fervent wish that my next relationship be better than my previous. It will be because of all that I have learned about myself. 

slowly but surely

So its now day 19. I feel a bit better as each day goes on. Been keeping busy by spending time with family and friends as well as heading out on my own. Started working out as well, to fill time. I also did sign up for two online dating sites, just to see what's out there and it is a welcome distraction. It helps to see what's out there. There have been two texts just asking me how I am doing and a comment about how tiring night shift is. I have resisted the urge to try and go back to old habits. There are still moments of panic and loneliness, but I just take it in and relax. I think of all the bad moments in the relationship and my unmet needs, so why stay? I deserve to be in a great relationship, a relationship that is enriching and not stifling. A relationship that has long term potential. I've got my act together so there's bound to be someone out there for me. Those positive self talk statements help. I'm have realized that anger turned inward is destructive, and there's no sense being mad or upset at someone when they aren't here to see or hear about it. There are things I can control and I will focus on those rather than the things I cannot control. She is living a life of her own choosing, with out me and I should accept that and continue to move forward. 

Should have stayed away

So here I am again, in the same spot I was a few months ago. We ended up back together again despite all the reservations that I guess we both had. The past 2 months and a bit have been a mix of both good and bad moments. Her increasing frustration about finding a job, her excitement and anticipation with regards to her interviews, etc. She had been under alot of stress and it showed, we ended up arguing about the same stuff we argued about in the past. It got to the point where she would get so annoyed in less than 3 minutes when I called her. I mean it got so bad that I didn't I did not even want to call anymore. It wasn't fun, I mean I know that its not always sunshine and roses but I just felt like I was someone she just had to deal with, like work for whatever her reason was. Started arguing around the 12-13th and finally culminated in the break up at my house no less on Saturday. She feels that we are heading in totally opposite directions, even though I told her that I would not stand in the way of her getting her own place, etc. She feels that we are both unhappy, that I should just go and be happy, find somebody who has a normal family, etc. I empathize with her frustration. She did get a job at xerox but its not her ideal job, although the skeptic in me questions the timing of this breakup, if I have been used then I only have myself to blame. I went through all the usual breakup actions as before and I will not belabour the points. I love her deeply but I'm not getting that back from her. I have pulled away slightly as time went on. Do I miss her, yes. I'm angry, she vehemently denies that here is anyone else. I feel sad, angry, betrayed, scared, disappointed. I told her that I still wanted a life for us together, no matter what. But it has always been for naught. Now I must continue forward, I have delayed this process long enough. I will embrace the pain for today, will not grieve for what has not happened. I will work on myself and heal. I will not panic for I deserve to be loved in return. There will be bad days and good days. I haven't told anyone yet, i figure I will let them figure it out. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness and the word happiness would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.” —C.G.Jung 

Echoes and ripples...

Headed back to Linus and Julie's place for the game and some sushi, which was totally awesome! Those two have always been great at making stuff from scratch. Alfred and Ron were also there. The dinner and game were great. I had left my phone in the car and didn't leave until around 2200. Checked my phone and there was a text message from her at around 1930 or so, I hope you are doing ok. I showed Ron, and his response was lets play some COD. I debated on whether or not to respond. I decided to call while on Airport Road, basically just saying that I'm doing alright and will be fine in the long run. I did acknowledge the fact that it hasn't been easy. She asked if I got her text message about the costco card, and I explained that I did and told her how I felt. She said that she doesn't have much going on these days and thought that she would share the highlight of her day with me. I wished her a happy birthday to which she replied jokingly, a little late aren't we. I reminded her about our situation and just told her to let me know if she needed anything and wished her all the best. As I'm pulling into my street, I get another text message, I'm sorry about all this. I ended up calling her back and explained that I was sorry as well, but through it all I meant all that I have said and there was nothing left unsaid between us and there is nothing more I can do. She said that it was a frustrating week and she was tired of all the fighting, etc. She sent the text message because she hadn't heard from me in a few days. I told her that she wanted to leave things as they were and not fix them, so there was nothing else for me to say or do. Why keep on trying. It takes two people to work on it and there weren't two people willing to try that day. I told her that I understand all that she had said during our past breakups, and that I had been stubborn because I didn't want to quit. And during our last break up there was never a good time to break up and did I want to force her to stay and fake the holidays with my friends and family? She replied that she was never forced to do anything she didn't want to do, she wanted to be there. She said that its been hard for her as well. She did ask Julie about me and she knew about last Friday nights vodka and pizza spectacular. Basically echoes of the past, the same words predictably heading towards the same endpoint. She wants to work things out but fears the same ending. I don't want to try, there are fundamental differences that need to be resolved, I will not go back until these issues are resolved. This is too much to handle emotionally. There is nothing more I can say or do and time apart is what is needed. Quiet resignation and acknowledgement. I feel better about it all today. The sun rises each day and with it comes endless possibilities.

Some mad hope...

Its sunday (day 9). Haven't updated this blog since wednesday. 5 straight 12s ended on Friday morning. So thursday evening I get a text from her at around 1730. "Just so you know, I discovered you can add someone on your costco card." I felt happy, then angry then sad. We haven't spoken for about 6 days and all she can text me is some stuff about a costco card?!!! I felt happy cause she texted, but then when the euphoria passed, the anger and sadness set in. I talked to Laura about it and she sees it as a control thing on her part. To see if I would still respond, to see if she could still get me to respond. My cynical mind saw it as perhaps and fyi since she already added or got added onto someone (presumably a new bf's) costco card. Damn that shit about a costco card, or simply the message was sent erroneously, which I find hard to believe. Laura doesn't think thats the case, but simply to generate a response. Either way it shouldn't make that much difference to me. I don't have to feel anything about it, unless I make myself. Went to work that night and showed Louise the text, she shares Laura's opinion, that it is simply an exercise in control. Louise asked if she ever talked about her feelings, to which I replied no, not really because she wasn't raised that way.The more I think about it, the more apparent it becomes that our relationship is dead. Friday night I went out for coffee with Alfred and Ron and they ended up bringing over pizza and some vodka. During the course of the evening and into early morning, I bared my soul to them, and I didn't care. I told them about how I love her, how I wanted a future for us and how she knew all this and there was nothing left unsaid between us and how much this hurts right now. Ron and Louise had great insight. I have never owned a house before, so naturally she would be the first girl I would have woken up with in my house. Also the fact that my desire to settle down and have a committed relationship is simply a product of where I am in my life instead of it being because I met her or because of her. I said that it takes two people to be in a relationship and one person cannot do the work because that builds resentment which will eventually boil to the surface. I told them about March, a story they already knew except for the car door part which they now know. I told them her words: "i'm not what you want" "i won't ask you to stay", or how she called me a whiner once while I was venting. I also told them how I felt like I was being punished for stuff I didn't do. I know her last relationship ended badly and that has influence on how guarded she is, but if she cannot see what's in front of her; a guy who is totally in love with her and wants to be with her, then there's no point. Alfred has always been steadfast with his advice. This has happened to all of us at least once. At least once there will be a girl who will gut you, to which I replied, I feel eviscerated. I did more things well this time around, compared to my previous relationships. I openly trusted, brought her into my life, shared my fears, hopes and dreams and was not afraid of commitment, and look at where it gets me. Alfred said its also has a lot to do with timing, being at the right place, the right time and with the right person. Simply put, it wasn't our time and we don't know how things will turn out. A relationship is work but it shouldn't be that hard. Someone questioned my opening up so quickly to someone to which I responded with the sex and condom analogy. You can have sex with a condom and yes it's safe and feels alright, but sex without a condom feels so much better but carries so much risk. The same rings true of a relationship. Put yourself out there, don't hold anything back and hopefully things will work out, if not then you risk being hurt. Thats what happened, I put myself out there and I got hurt. I told them about the text message and Alfred also saw it as a control thing, she's reaching out and wants to talk but she can't say it because of pride, etc. I haven't responded yet, and I don't think I will. What would it change? She will still be the same in all respects, same reasoning, same thoughts same feelings. Going back would only ease the pain temporarily, until the next fight/break up and thats just too emotionally draining. Why keep at it knowing that the next break up is only one fight away? Then have to repeat this whole process over again. I wouldn't stay until I found someone better because I certainly wouldn't want that to be done to me. She can't even tell me that she misses me in a text message, all she can send is some stuff about a costco card??!! Ron and I went to Buffalo on saturday and that was a welcome distraction. Then we picked up Alfred and went to go see Linus. We stayed there for a bit until Julie came home and they started to make dinner so we left. Linus asked how I was doing and I asked him how she was doing. He didn't know but he mentioned that the girls were heading over to Demetres for her birthday today. Every time I see Linus and Julie, I keep thinking how I want a relationship like theirs. It seems so effortless, they are so in tune with one another, so perfect for one another. When will it be my turn??? Then I lament my own failed relationship, I wanted a relationship like theirs and placed all that hope into one person which did not work out. And I don't know why I feel that my chance for a relationship has ended with this one, its not logical. I know people who have found new love, new relationships after divorce or the death of a spouse.There is someone for everyone and I just have to keep looking. Would going back to the familiar really change anything? Emotionally I think so, but rationally, no. There would have to be a fundamental change, which seems impossible.