Echoes and ripples...

Headed back to Linus and Julie's place for the game and some sushi, which was totally awesome! Those two have always been great at making stuff from scratch. Alfred and Ron were also there. The dinner and game were great. I had left my phone in the car and didn't leave until around 2200. Checked my phone and there was a text message from her at around 1930 or so, I hope you are doing ok. I showed Ron, and his response was lets play some COD. I debated on whether or not to respond. I decided to call while on Airport Road, basically just saying that I'm doing alright and will be fine in the long run. I did acknowledge the fact that it hasn't been easy. She asked if I got her text message about the costco card, and I explained that I did and told her how I felt. She said that she doesn't have much going on these days and thought that she would share the highlight of her day with me. I wished her a happy birthday to which she replied jokingly, a little late aren't we. I reminded her about our situation and just told her to let me know if she needed anything and wished her all the best. As I'm pulling into my street, I get another text message, I'm sorry about all this. I ended up calling her back and explained that I was sorry as well, but through it all I meant all that I have said and there was nothing left unsaid between us and there is nothing more I can do. She said that it was a frustrating week and she was tired of all the fighting, etc. She sent the text message because she hadn't heard from me in a few days. I told her that she wanted to leave things as they were and not fix them, so there was nothing else for me to say or do. Why keep on trying. It takes two people to work on it and there weren't two people willing to try that day. I told her that I understand all that she had said during our past breakups, and that I had been stubborn because I didn't want to quit. And during our last break up there was never a good time to break up and did I want to force her to stay and fake the holidays with my friends and family? She replied that she was never forced to do anything she didn't want to do, she wanted to be there. She said that its been hard for her as well. She did ask Julie about me and she knew about last Friday nights vodka and pizza spectacular. Basically echoes of the past, the same words predictably heading towards the same endpoint. She wants to work things out but fears the same ending. I don't want to try, there are fundamental differences that need to be resolved, I will not go back until these issues are resolved. This is too much to handle emotionally. There is nothing more I can say or do and time apart is what is needed. Quiet resignation and acknowledgement. I feel better about it all today. The sun rises each day and with it comes endless possibilities.

Some mad hope...

Its sunday (day 9). Haven't updated this blog since wednesday. 5 straight 12s ended on Friday morning. So thursday evening I get a text from her at around 1730. "Just so you know, I discovered you can add someone on your costco card." I felt happy, then angry then sad. We haven't spoken for about 6 days and all she can text me is some stuff about a costco card?!!! I felt happy cause she texted, but then when the euphoria passed, the anger and sadness set in. I talked to Laura about it and she sees it as a control thing on her part. To see if I would still respond, to see if she could still get me to respond. My cynical mind saw it as perhaps and fyi since she already added or got added onto someone (presumably a new bf's) costco card. Damn that shit about a costco card, or simply the message was sent erroneously, which I find hard to believe. Laura doesn't think thats the case, but simply to generate a response. Either way it shouldn't make that much difference to me. I don't have to feel anything about it, unless I make myself. Went to work that night and showed Louise the text, she shares Laura's opinion, that it is simply an exercise in control. Louise asked if she ever talked about her feelings, to which I replied no, not really because she wasn't raised that way.The more I think about it, the more apparent it becomes that our relationship is dead. Friday night I went out for coffee with Alfred and Ron and they ended up bringing over pizza and some vodka. During the course of the evening and into early morning, I bared my soul to them, and I didn't care. I told them about how I love her, how I wanted a future for us and how she knew all this and there was nothing left unsaid between us and how much this hurts right now. Ron and Louise had great insight. I have never owned a house before, so naturally she would be the first girl I would have woken up with in my house. Also the fact that my desire to settle down and have a committed relationship is simply a product of where I am in my life instead of it being because I met her or because of her. I said that it takes two people to be in a relationship and one person cannot do the work because that builds resentment which will eventually boil to the surface. I told them about March, a story they already knew except for the car door part which they now know. I told them her words: "i'm not what you want" "i won't ask you to stay", or how she called me a whiner once while I was venting. I also told them how I felt like I was being punished for stuff I didn't do. I know her last relationship ended badly and that has influence on how guarded she is, but if she cannot see what's in front of her; a guy who is totally in love with her and wants to be with her, then there's no point. Alfred has always been steadfast with his advice. This has happened to all of us at least once. At least once there will be a girl who will gut you, to which I replied, I feel eviscerated. I did more things well this time around, compared to my previous relationships. I openly trusted, brought her into my life, shared my fears, hopes and dreams and was not afraid of commitment, and look at where it gets me. Alfred said its also has a lot to do with timing, being at the right place, the right time and with the right person. Simply put, it wasn't our time and we don't know how things will turn out. A relationship is work but it shouldn't be that hard. Someone questioned my opening up so quickly to someone to which I responded with the sex and condom analogy. You can have sex with a condom and yes it's safe and feels alright, but sex without a condom feels so much better but carries so much risk. The same rings true of a relationship. Put yourself out there, don't hold anything back and hopefully things will work out, if not then you risk being hurt. Thats what happened, I put myself out there and I got hurt. I told them about the text message and Alfred also saw it as a control thing, she's reaching out and wants to talk but she can't say it because of pride, etc. I haven't responded yet, and I don't think I will. What would it change? She will still be the same in all respects, same reasoning, same thoughts same feelings. Going back would only ease the pain temporarily, until the next fight/break up and thats just too emotionally draining. Why keep at it knowing that the next break up is only one fight away? Then have to repeat this whole process over again. I wouldn't stay until I found someone better because I certainly wouldn't want that to be done to me. She can't even tell me that she misses me in a text message, all she can send is some stuff about a costco card??!! Ron and I went to Buffalo on saturday and that was a welcome distraction. Then we picked up Alfred and went to go see Linus. We stayed there for a bit until Julie came home and they started to make dinner so we left. Linus asked how I was doing and I asked him how she was doing. He didn't know but he mentioned that the girls were heading over to Demetres for her birthday today. Every time I see Linus and Julie, I keep thinking how I want a relationship like theirs. It seems so effortless, they are so in tune with one another, so perfect for one another. When will it be my turn??? Then I lament my own failed relationship, I wanted a relationship like theirs and placed all that hope into one person which did not work out. And I don't know why I feel that my chance for a relationship has ended with this one, its not logical. I know people who have found new love, new relationships after divorce or the death of a spouse.There is someone for everyone and I just have to keep looking. Would going back to the familiar really change anything? Emotionally I think so, but rationally, no. There would have to be a fundamental change, which seems impossible. 

Wednesday

Talked to Marie about it all last night. I told her how things can be difficult at times but for the most part I am doing alright. She said that from her perspective, I have spent the better part of the last year and a bit trying to be happy in my relationship, instead of being happy. She feels that I can do better and that I deserve better. I told her about how when we're together, I just lose myself in the moment and how I have never really felt that way about anyone before, when we are great we are awesome, but when we are bad we are brutal. How she's the first person I have ever considered having a future with. She talked about how I am on a hot air balloon and heading towards a really tall mountain. I can either hit the mountain, or cut some sandbags loose to make the balloon float higher. I should just cut her loose. She said that I should just keep busy, not work busy but busy with stuff that I enjoy doing. I never did wish her a happy birthday yesterday. Louise feels that I have now "shut the door" by not doing so. What would I gain by it? Would I be left feeling anxious if the text was not acknowledged, would I end up calling her to make sure she got it? A clean break is my goal and not having any contact is essential. I know that it's over between us, as much as it hurts me to acknowledge it. What she does now has no impact on me, unless I want it to impact me by thinking or wondering about it. I have nothing left to say and my feelings are perfectly clear. It takes two people to be in a relationship and to try and work things out, one cannot do it alone. The sun will shine again tomorrow and every day is an opportunity to enjoy life, not to be spend moping. I haven't lost anything except for her. I still have everything that I went into the relationship with. I had fun before she came along and will have fun again long after she is gone. 

Jumbled...

So now Linus knows about the breakup. I told him today. He's glad that I have made a decision, that I have tried to make things work on more than one occasion with her and that I can go forward  knowing that it wasn't for a lack of trying that things didn't work. He was optimistic about the future and a possibility of us getting back together. I told him that I don't see that happening. He then suggested I start dating, but I told him its still too soon. I told him that her and I were simply not compatible at the end of the day. I expressed my desire that my relationship with him and Julie not be awkward since they are mutual friends. I told him that I will not speak ill of her since it is not my desire to do so. I did say that if the time came that we end up in the same room, it would be civil. Damn, I miss her today, tried to nap before going to work but I just couldn't, so here I am updating this blog. Oh this emotional rollercoaster sucks! I want to call or text her to wish her a happy birthday, to hear her voice but I already did that on the last day we spoke. I'm looking for any excuse to make contact, to work things out. But I know this will just be counterproductive, it has been four days and I don't want to setback my progress. I just have to persevere and be patient, time heals all wounds.

Jumbled...

Woke up today, was going to text, but talked myself out of it. It wouldn't change anything between us, its still over. I have compromised enough to make things work. I would like to have somebody that really cares about me, that wants to talk to me about anything, that looks forward to talking to me or seeing me. I want to feel appreciated and I never really felt that way. She couldn't find the time to send me a text message at some point during the day (when she was off work) just to say hi or see how my day was going; to let me know that she was thinking about me and didn't really see how little things like that make a big difference. Towards the end it felt empty. She knows how I feel and I know how she feels. We both agreed a beak would be the best idea. Don't want to end up in the same spot a few years or months down the road and wish that it would have ended sooner. All the same ongoing issues are rehashed with each subsequent argument and never really resolved, so what's the point. The realization is harsh, and cold but necessary. One's happiness in life shouldn't be dependent solely on one person. You are in charge of your own happiness and other people are there to enhance it, not be the sole reason for your happiness. It hurts, I was stubborn and wanted to keep trying, maybe things will change. Now I see how futile that thought patten really is. She has said that I want someone else, I said that I want her. I just wanted her to tell me that she cares, that we are great together,etc. not all the time but it would be nice to hear. But I'm not worth that effort, and so it must end. I cannot stay or go back, not this time around. If she wants to call, she will call. I have to stop waiting or checking my blackberry. It's called a break up because its broken.

Perspective...

Worked again today. Definitely better than yesterday, and that's always a plus. Its day 3! Talked to Louise and Mel about wishing her a happy birthday tomorrow, they both feel that I should at least send a text message. Deb, Linda, Marianne and Sharon disagree. They say that I should just get on with it and look forward, not back. I did wish her happy birthday 3 days ago so that counts. They all say that I got my stuff together and that I deserve a partner who will work with me and be supportive of my needs and goals. I do see their point, I haven't been happy lately and have just been settling because I fear being alone. I no longer have to wait for the phone call, the routine conversations, wondering what she's doing, etc. I save my self the mind spin that occurs along with the nagging doubts about honesty and fidelity that I have tried to work out since last March, but still persist up to this point.  Talked to mom today as I was walking out, basically the same sentiments. If she cannot accept help in finding a job then how is that supposed to work in a relationship, sometimes too much pride is detrimental. Do I want to be responsible for her along with her family? How can I be with someone who was until recently the primary breadwinner for her family and have to contend with their influence, whether intended or unintended. She had expressed some frustration that she cannot even move out or start her own life because of her family's dependence on her for financial support. All things aside, the fact remains that it is still over between us. I need to keep focusing on myself and what I can improve and enjoy with my new free time. I will always be thankful for all the memories, but I will not dwell on the past or what could have been. The book says that today I should take a "poor me" holiday where I just explore all the emotions all in one day and be done with them as opposed to doing this on a daily basis.


I fear that I will never find anybody else, that I will be alone, that I will never find another relationship. Looking and reading these words that I have typed has shown me that these are things that have not come to pass, but if I focus on them then it will be a self fulfilling prophesy. Life goes on and its up to me whether I go along with it. What I have lost in this relationship is the companionship, the intimacy. I have kept all that I went into the relationship and have lost nothing material. I'm still me, maybe slightly out of shape, but that I can definitely change! Still the same person she gave her phone number to (knowing that I would ask for it) the same person she went out on dates with, etc. Hopefully in time there will be another she. Now I know I will still have to endure the rollercoaster of emotions that have yet to come my way, but I just need to maintain my perspective.