Wednesday

Talked to Marie about it all last night. I told her how things can be difficult at times but for the most part I am doing alright. She said that from her perspective, I have spent the better part of the last year and a bit trying to be happy in my relationship, instead of being happy. She feels that I can do better and that I deserve better. I told her about how when we're together, I just lose myself in the moment and how I have never really felt that way about anyone before, when we are great we are awesome, but when we are bad we are brutal. How she's the first person I have ever considered having a future with. She talked about how I am on a hot air balloon and heading towards a really tall mountain. I can either hit the mountain, or cut some sandbags loose to make the balloon float higher. I should just cut her loose. She said that I should just keep busy, not work busy but busy with stuff that I enjoy doing. I never did wish her a happy birthday yesterday. Louise feels that I have now "shut the door" by not doing so. What would I gain by it? Would I be left feeling anxious if the text was not acknowledged, would I end up calling her to make sure she got it? A clean break is my goal and not having any contact is essential. I know that it's over between us, as much as it hurts me to acknowledge it. What she does now has no impact on me, unless I want it to impact me by thinking or wondering about it. I have nothing left to say and my feelings are perfectly clear. It takes two people to be in a relationship and to try and work things out, one cannot do it alone. The sun will shine again tomorrow and every day is an opportunity to enjoy life, not to be spend moping. I haven't lost anything except for her. I still have everything that I went into the relationship with. I had fun before she came along and will have fun again long after she is gone. 

Jumbled...

So now Linus knows about the breakup. I told him today. He's glad that I have made a decision, that I have tried to make things work on more than one occasion with her and that I can go forward  knowing that it wasn't for a lack of trying that things didn't work. He was optimistic about the future and a possibility of us getting back together. I told him that I don't see that happening. He then suggested I start dating, but I told him its still too soon. I told him that her and I were simply not compatible at the end of the day. I expressed my desire that my relationship with him and Julie not be awkward since they are mutual friends. I told him that I will not speak ill of her since it is not my desire to do so. I did say that if the time came that we end up in the same room, it would be civil. Damn, I miss her today, tried to nap before going to work but I just couldn't, so here I am updating this blog. Oh this emotional rollercoaster sucks! I want to call or text her to wish her a happy birthday, to hear her voice but I already did that on the last day we spoke. I'm looking for any excuse to make contact, to work things out. But I know this will just be counterproductive, it has been four days and I don't want to setback my progress. I just have to persevere and be patient, time heals all wounds.

Jumbled...

Woke up today, was going to text, but talked myself out of it. It wouldn't change anything between us, its still over. I have compromised enough to make things work. I would like to have somebody that really cares about me, that wants to talk to me about anything, that looks forward to talking to me or seeing me. I want to feel appreciated and I never really felt that way. She couldn't find the time to send me a text message at some point during the day (when she was off work) just to say hi or see how my day was going; to let me know that she was thinking about me and didn't really see how little things like that make a big difference. Towards the end it felt empty. She knows how I feel and I know how she feels. We both agreed a beak would be the best idea. Don't want to end up in the same spot a few years or months down the road and wish that it would have ended sooner. All the same ongoing issues are rehashed with each subsequent argument and never really resolved, so what's the point. The realization is harsh, and cold but necessary. One's happiness in life shouldn't be dependent solely on one person. You are in charge of your own happiness and other people are there to enhance it, not be the sole reason for your happiness. It hurts, I was stubborn and wanted to keep trying, maybe things will change. Now I see how futile that thought patten really is. She has said that I want someone else, I said that I want her. I just wanted her to tell me that she cares, that we are great together,etc. not all the time but it would be nice to hear. But I'm not worth that effort, and so it must end. I cannot stay or go back, not this time around. If she wants to call, she will call. I have to stop waiting or checking my blackberry. It's called a break up because its broken.

Perspective...

Worked again today. Definitely better than yesterday, and that's always a plus. Its day 3! Talked to Louise and Mel about wishing her a happy birthday tomorrow, they both feel that I should at least send a text message. Deb, Linda, Marianne and Sharon disagree. They say that I should just get on with it and look forward, not back. I did wish her happy birthday 3 days ago so that counts. They all say that I got my stuff together and that I deserve a partner who will work with me and be supportive of my needs and goals. I do see their point, I haven't been happy lately and have just been settling because I fear being alone. I no longer have to wait for the phone call, the routine conversations, wondering what she's doing, etc. I save my self the mind spin that occurs along with the nagging doubts about honesty and fidelity that I have tried to work out since last March, but still persist up to this point.  Talked to mom today as I was walking out, basically the same sentiments. If she cannot accept help in finding a job then how is that supposed to work in a relationship, sometimes too much pride is detrimental. Do I want to be responsible for her along with her family? How can I be with someone who was until recently the primary breadwinner for her family and have to contend with their influence, whether intended or unintended. She had expressed some frustration that she cannot even move out or start her own life because of her family's dependence on her for financial support. All things aside, the fact remains that it is still over between us. I need to keep focusing on myself and what I can improve and enjoy with my new free time. I will always be thankful for all the memories, but I will not dwell on the past or what could have been. The book says that today I should take a "poor me" holiday where I just explore all the emotions all in one day and be done with them as opposed to doing this on a daily basis.


I fear that I will never find anybody else, that I will be alone, that I will never find another relationship. Looking and reading these words that I have typed has shown me that these are things that have not come to pass, but if I focus on them then it will be a self fulfilling prophesy. Life goes on and its up to me whether I go along with it. What I have lost in this relationship is the companionship, the intimacy. I have kept all that I went into the relationship and have lost nothing material. I'm still me, maybe slightly out of shape, but that I can definitely change! Still the same person she gave her phone number to (knowing that I would ask for it) the same person she went out on dates with, etc. Hopefully in time there will be another she. Now I know I will still have to endure the rollercoaster of emotions that have yet to come my way, but I just need to maintain my perspective.

pieces, pieces everywhere...

Went to work today, glad for the distraction. Thoughts of her still come rushing in, I wonder what she's doing, etc. I feel an emptiness in my chest, fleeting moments of panic and despair; that I will never find another, insecurities rush to the forefront, I'm fat, I can't dress well, etc. Then thankfully it's over. I wanted so desperately to call, to work things out again, to hear her voice. I wanted a future for us, I thought she was the one, please come back...then I called Laura, since I can talk myself into doing anything, even things I said I wouldn't do. She was very calm and helped me see the situation for what it was, what would I achieve by calling? instant gratification for a few minutes, then what? I told her how hard its for me and how looking at things now, all my issues with our previous relationship don't seem that bad, that I could put up with them because it definitely looks better than being alone. To which she pointed out that I was settling, and that I should never settle and that I deserve better. All these emotions are normal, and will feel better as time goes on. 
Went to my parent's for dinner after work, so happy to see them, to express how I feel. I've never been one to discuss stuff with my parents but it helps tons. I told them about the stuff behind the couch. I tell them that its hard because they were cool with her and her family was great with me, its nice just to vent. I still find myself waiting for her call, even though I have deleted her from my phone and email. I also deleted all the stuff off my macbook. The drive home was uneventful, I still find myself checking my phone to see if she has called or if I had missed her call, this isn't healthy and must stop soon.


Remember, guys: In the famous words of W.E. Henley, "You are the master of your fate and the captain of your soul."

Saturday Part Deux

Back home now. Had spent the morning with Laura and Marianne and they are fully appraised of the situation. Their opinions have been pretty consistent in the past, and this was a lesson I had to learn on my own, in my own time. Spent some time with the family before heading back. They say I can do better, but I am not sure at this time. I have told her that she was perfect for me. I told her that the spaces between my hands are where her fingers fit perfectly, to which she replied...any girl's fingers would fit perfectly.


Started cleaning house as soon as I got back, felt therapeutic like a fresh start. She still crosses my mind and I know it will be for some time yet. I did read the book today, although in the past I've only made it to day 3 before we got back together. I wanted to call, just to say "hi", just to hear her voice but I managed not to do so. I don't know why the silence feels so different, I mean we never talked much, just once or twice during the course of the day and almost all the time I spend alone at home. Looking forward to the distraction that is work, five straight starts tomorrow and its her birthday on Tuesday (I did wish her happy birthday yesterday). Hard to believe its only been about 24 hours since I last spoke or seen her, it feels like more time has passed.

Saturday

Woke up about 10 mins ago, the house is quiet, there is some comfort in knowing that my family are only a few steps away. Planning on heading back this morning, thoughts of her have crossed my mind this early in the day, and I know there will be more to come. I am calm today. We stayed at Tims till 0030 this morning just shooting the shit. The guys have asked if an engagement is in order, they still do not know. I have dropped vague hints that it is over, the laughed of course they have heard it all before. You say you guys fight but when we see you together you both seem ok they say. 


Just recalling last night's conversation is making me miss her already. I feel a sense of longing, like all I want to do right now is to just pick up the phone and talk to her, to make plans for the day. Then I think about why we broke up. She was never an emotional person as she explained, and was never raised that way. No one in her family ever really says"I love you" or talks openly about their emotions. I told her that I didn't feel appreciated at times, that it seemed that I looked forward to seeing her more than she did. Even initially, she wasn't that affectionate but that improved somewhat over the course of our relationship. I did feel that I was taken for granted, that no matter what she did I would still be there. She responded many a time that if she didn't care for me then she wouldn't be with me or spend time with my family and vice versa. I need to be told once in a while that I am appreciated, that I mean something to someone, that over the course of the day to let me know that I do cross their mind. I never really got that validation. Or when talking about the state of our relationship which she finds "annoying" Not that I want to hear these things on a daily basis, I'm not a narcissist by any means. But once in a while its nice to hear these things, a little means a lot.


So we were already at an impasse. Do I stay and just deal with things the way they are, without feeling appreciated, hoping one day things will improve. Maybe she's still hurt from her previous relationship and is not too trusting or is unsure about my intentions, etc. Oh the ways I have tried to rationalize it all. Some people at work have told me that she's not the one, even before we ended our relationship. But having her around until something better comes along? That's just mean and I wouldn't appreciate it if it was done to me.
Do I leave? Leave it all behind because even if I stay, these issues are still under the surface, just waiting for an opportunity to come out. And no one really likes to hear "complaints" about them. Maybe there is something better and because life is too short to be unhappy. As hard as it is to leave, that was my decision. Our relationship had run its course at the present time. 


There is some comfort in a clean break. Knowing that you were both honest with each other about the relationship and decided to break it off cleanly before anyone did anything hurtful.