Just thought I would post an update. Feeling better each day, I smile more and it feels great. There are still moments, but now they are fleeting. So I talked to V today@ work after she sent me a text. I never thought I would hear from her after our date. I just told her that first dates are usually awkward for me and that I do not date coworkers as a rule but I would like to hang out with her sometime soon. She didn't find the date awkward, and in a follow up text message this afternoon she said that she just thought I did not find her interesting and i did not want to go out again which would have been fine...but she's glad thats not it. So lets see where this thing goes, no hope or agenda. Just spend time and see where things go.


On the drive home I heard eminem and rhianna's collab titled love the way you lie and it summed up my previous relationship, well minus the physical violence and threats. One verse:

Now I know we said things Did things That we didn't mean And we fall back Into the same patterns Same routine But your temper's just as bad As mine is You're the same as me But when it comes to love You're just as blinded.

So I had a coworker talk to me and ask me advice about his relationship/break up situation. I just found that a little ironic I guess. Its crazy how we find ourselves in similar situations with regards to our relationships, I'm just a little further into the break up then they are. 


I had everybody over for a bbq, my first gathering involving the guys and girls with out her. It was great. I had to show them that I can do stuff without her and that I am feeling more and more normal as each day passes. Linus and Julie are getting married, I'm so stoked, its happening next month! I really should not be concerned but I find myself thinking about whether or not she will be there and whether I should bring a date in case she does. I realize the immaturity and absurdity of this thought. I mean its letting her influence me, giving her power over making my decision to bring a date. There are still moments, I had one first thing this morning for some reason, but I managed to talk myself out of it. I just tell myself that she's living a life of her choice, a life without me in it and I deserve to be happy. I realize that it has been more than 30 days and I am proud of my progress. I know now to acknowledge the feelings, but not to dwell on them. 


I have been keeping busy, trying to make it to the gym when I can and I usually feel 10 times better after I have gone. I am working on improving myself which is keeps me busy. I know that there are options out there, far better than what I had. I just have to be patient enough and just go with the flow and see what happens. 

Month's end

So its day 30 today. I cannot believe that all that time has passed. The book has been really helpful in helping me through these 30 days and I have learned many things about myself that I had never known or cared to face before now. I'm feeling way better than I did initially, I've got my routine and it has helped.


The things I have learned: I was codependent on her for affection, happiness and approval. I needed her validation because my own was not good enough (that's painful to type). I made her the centre of my happiness, much to my dismay. I stayed because of these issues, because I felt that I wasn't good enough to find someone else, that this was my only shot at happiness. I need to work on accepting myself for the person that I am, to realize that happiness comes from within one's self and not from others. That I do not need another's approval, the only one that matters is my own. The book says if you really want the love of another to be real in this world, don't need that person. How profound! I based my daily routine around her, and that's why I felt so alone and lost initially even though we didn't live together. She was the first thing on my mind each day, it was an addiction.


I've been out on one date, however awkward that experience was lols, it just shows that I'm attractive to some, but it was just a distraction for me. There are still moments that come, I acknowledge them, but do not dwell on them like I used to. She is living a life of her own choosing, without me and dwelling on the past relationship merely gives her ghost power over me. I have started to move forward, cautiously optimistic and always open minded.
For this experience I am most thankful, for the memories and for the lessons. I do not know when I will start dating again, but it is my fervent wish that my next relationship be better than my previous. It will be because of all that I have learned about myself. 

slowly but surely

So its now day 19. I feel a bit better as each day goes on. Been keeping busy by spending time with family and friends as well as heading out on my own. Started working out as well, to fill time. I also did sign up for two online dating sites, just to see what's out there and it is a welcome distraction. It helps to see what's out there. There have been two texts just asking me how I am doing and a comment about how tiring night shift is. I have resisted the urge to try and go back to old habits. There are still moments of panic and loneliness, but I just take it in and relax. I think of all the bad moments in the relationship and my unmet needs, so why stay? I deserve to be in a great relationship, a relationship that is enriching and not stifling. A relationship that has long term potential. I've got my act together so there's bound to be someone out there for me. Those positive self talk statements help. I'm have realized that anger turned inward is destructive, and there's no sense being mad or upset at someone when they aren't here to see or hear about it. There are things I can control and I will focus on those rather than the things I cannot control. She is living a life of her own choosing, with out me and I should accept that and continue to move forward. 

Should have stayed away

So here I am again, in the same spot I was a few months ago. We ended up back together again despite all the reservations that I guess we both had. The past 2 months and a bit have been a mix of both good and bad moments. Her increasing frustration about finding a job, her excitement and anticipation with regards to her interviews, etc. She had been under alot of stress and it showed, we ended up arguing about the same stuff we argued about in the past. It got to the point where she would get so annoyed in less than 3 minutes when I called her. I mean it got so bad that I didn't I did not even want to call anymore. It wasn't fun, I mean I know that its not always sunshine and roses but I just felt like I was someone she just had to deal with, like work for whatever her reason was. Started arguing around the 12-13th and finally culminated in the break up at my house no less on Saturday. She feels that we are heading in totally opposite directions, even though I told her that I would not stand in the way of her getting her own place, etc. She feels that we are both unhappy, that I should just go and be happy, find somebody who has a normal family, etc. I empathize with her frustration. She did get a job at xerox but its not her ideal job, although the skeptic in me questions the timing of this breakup, if I have been used then I only have myself to blame. I went through all the usual breakup actions as before and I will not belabour the points. I love her deeply but I'm not getting that back from her. I have pulled away slightly as time went on. Do I miss her, yes. I'm angry, she vehemently denies that here is anyone else. I feel sad, angry, betrayed, scared, disappointed. I told her that I still wanted a life for us together, no matter what. But it has always been for naught. Now I must continue forward, I have delayed this process long enough. I will embrace the pain for today, will not grieve for what has not happened. I will work on myself and heal. I will not panic for I deserve to be loved in return. There will be bad days and good days. I haven't told anyone yet, i figure I will let them figure it out. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness and the word happiness would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.” —C.G.Jung 

Echoes and ripples...

Headed back to Linus and Julie's place for the game and some sushi, which was totally awesome! Those two have always been great at making stuff from scratch. Alfred and Ron were also there. The dinner and game were great. I had left my phone in the car and didn't leave until around 2200. Checked my phone and there was a text message from her at around 1930 or so, I hope you are doing ok. I showed Ron, and his response was lets play some COD. I debated on whether or not to respond. I decided to call while on Airport Road, basically just saying that I'm doing alright and will be fine in the long run. I did acknowledge the fact that it hasn't been easy. She asked if I got her text message about the costco card, and I explained that I did and told her how I felt. She said that she doesn't have much going on these days and thought that she would share the highlight of her day with me. I wished her a happy birthday to which she replied jokingly, a little late aren't we. I reminded her about our situation and just told her to let me know if she needed anything and wished her all the best. As I'm pulling into my street, I get another text message, I'm sorry about all this. I ended up calling her back and explained that I was sorry as well, but through it all I meant all that I have said and there was nothing left unsaid between us and there is nothing more I can do. She said that it was a frustrating week and she was tired of all the fighting, etc. She sent the text message because she hadn't heard from me in a few days. I told her that she wanted to leave things as they were and not fix them, so there was nothing else for me to say or do. Why keep on trying. It takes two people to work on it and there weren't two people willing to try that day. I told her that I understand all that she had said during our past breakups, and that I had been stubborn because I didn't want to quit. And during our last break up there was never a good time to break up and did I want to force her to stay and fake the holidays with my friends and family? She replied that she was never forced to do anything she didn't want to do, she wanted to be there. She said that its been hard for her as well. She did ask Julie about me and she knew about last Friday nights vodka and pizza spectacular. Basically echoes of the past, the same words predictably heading towards the same endpoint. She wants to work things out but fears the same ending. I don't want to try, there are fundamental differences that need to be resolved, I will not go back until these issues are resolved. This is too much to handle emotionally. There is nothing more I can say or do and time apart is what is needed. Quiet resignation and acknowledgement. I feel better about it all today. The sun rises each day and with it comes endless possibilities.

Some mad hope...

Its sunday (day 9). Haven't updated this blog since wednesday. 5 straight 12s ended on Friday morning. So thursday evening I get a text from her at around 1730. "Just so you know, I discovered you can add someone on your costco card." I felt happy, then angry then sad. We haven't spoken for about 6 days and all she can text me is some stuff about a costco card?!!! I felt happy cause she texted, but then when the euphoria passed, the anger and sadness set in. I talked to Laura about it and she sees it as a control thing on her part. To see if I would still respond, to see if she could still get me to respond. My cynical mind saw it as perhaps and fyi since she already added or got added onto someone (presumably a new bf's) costco card. Damn that shit about a costco card, or simply the message was sent erroneously, which I find hard to believe. Laura doesn't think thats the case, but simply to generate a response. Either way it shouldn't make that much difference to me. I don't have to feel anything about it, unless I make myself. Went to work that night and showed Louise the text, she shares Laura's opinion, that it is simply an exercise in control. Louise asked if she ever talked about her feelings, to which I replied no, not really because she wasn't raised that way.The more I think about it, the more apparent it becomes that our relationship is dead. Friday night I went out for coffee with Alfred and Ron and they ended up bringing over pizza and some vodka. During the course of the evening and into early morning, I bared my soul to them, and I didn't care. I told them about how I love her, how I wanted a future for us and how she knew all this and there was nothing left unsaid between us and how much this hurts right now. Ron and Louise had great insight. I have never owned a house before, so naturally she would be the first girl I would have woken up with in my house. Also the fact that my desire to settle down and have a committed relationship is simply a product of where I am in my life instead of it being because I met her or because of her. I said that it takes two people to be in a relationship and one person cannot do the work because that builds resentment which will eventually boil to the surface. I told them about March, a story they already knew except for the car door part which they now know. I told them her words: "i'm not what you want" "i won't ask you to stay", or how she called me a whiner once while I was venting. I also told them how I felt like I was being punished for stuff I didn't do. I know her last relationship ended badly and that has influence on how guarded she is, but if she cannot see what's in front of her; a guy who is totally in love with her and wants to be with her, then there's no point. Alfred has always been steadfast with his advice. This has happened to all of us at least once. At least once there will be a girl who will gut you, to which I replied, I feel eviscerated. I did more things well this time around, compared to my previous relationships. I openly trusted, brought her into my life, shared my fears, hopes and dreams and was not afraid of commitment, and look at where it gets me. Alfred said its also has a lot to do with timing, being at the right place, the right time and with the right person. Simply put, it wasn't our time and we don't know how things will turn out. A relationship is work but it shouldn't be that hard. Someone questioned my opening up so quickly to someone to which I responded with the sex and condom analogy. You can have sex with a condom and yes it's safe and feels alright, but sex without a condom feels so much better but carries so much risk. The same rings true of a relationship. Put yourself out there, don't hold anything back and hopefully things will work out, if not then you risk being hurt. Thats what happened, I put myself out there and I got hurt. I told them about the text message and Alfred also saw it as a control thing, she's reaching out and wants to talk but she can't say it because of pride, etc. I haven't responded yet, and I don't think I will. What would it change? She will still be the same in all respects, same reasoning, same thoughts same feelings. Going back would only ease the pain temporarily, until the next fight/break up and thats just too emotionally draining. Why keep at it knowing that the next break up is only one fight away? Then have to repeat this whole process over again. I wouldn't stay until I found someone better because I certainly wouldn't want that to be done to me. She can't even tell me that she misses me in a text message, all she can send is some stuff about a costco card??!! Ron and I went to Buffalo on saturday and that was a welcome distraction. Then we picked up Alfred and went to go see Linus. We stayed there for a bit until Julie came home and they started to make dinner so we left. Linus asked how I was doing and I asked him how she was doing. He didn't know but he mentioned that the girls were heading over to Demetres for her birthday today. Every time I see Linus and Julie, I keep thinking how I want a relationship like theirs. It seems so effortless, they are so in tune with one another, so perfect for one another. When will it be my turn??? Then I lament my own failed relationship, I wanted a relationship like theirs and placed all that hope into one person which did not work out. And I don't know why I feel that my chance for a relationship has ended with this one, its not logical. I know people who have found new love, new relationships after divorce or the death of a spouse.There is someone for everyone and I just have to keep looking. Would going back to the familiar really change anything? Emotionally I think so, but rationally, no. There would have to be a fundamental change, which seems impossible. 

Wednesday

Talked to Marie about it all last night. I told her how things can be difficult at times but for the most part I am doing alright. She said that from her perspective, I have spent the better part of the last year and a bit trying to be happy in my relationship, instead of being happy. She feels that I can do better and that I deserve better. I told her about how when we're together, I just lose myself in the moment and how I have never really felt that way about anyone before, when we are great we are awesome, but when we are bad we are brutal. How she's the first person I have ever considered having a future with. She talked about how I am on a hot air balloon and heading towards a really tall mountain. I can either hit the mountain, or cut some sandbags loose to make the balloon float higher. I should just cut her loose. She said that I should just keep busy, not work busy but busy with stuff that I enjoy doing. I never did wish her a happy birthday yesterday. Louise feels that I have now "shut the door" by not doing so. What would I gain by it? Would I be left feeling anxious if the text was not acknowledged, would I end up calling her to make sure she got it? A clean break is my goal and not having any contact is essential. I know that it's over between us, as much as it hurts me to acknowledge it. What she does now has no impact on me, unless I want it to impact me by thinking or wondering about it. I have nothing left to say and my feelings are perfectly clear. It takes two people to be in a relationship and to try and work things out, one cannot do it alone. The sun will shine again tomorrow and every day is an opportunity to enjoy life, not to be spend moping. I haven't lost anything except for her. I still have everything that I went into the relationship with. I had fun before she came along and will have fun again long after she is gone. 

Jumbled...

So now Linus knows about the breakup. I told him today. He's glad that I have made a decision, that I have tried to make things work on more than one occasion with her and that I can go forward  knowing that it wasn't for a lack of trying that things didn't work. He was optimistic about the future and a possibility of us getting back together. I told him that I don't see that happening. He then suggested I start dating, but I told him its still too soon. I told him that her and I were simply not compatible at the end of the day. I expressed my desire that my relationship with him and Julie not be awkward since they are mutual friends. I told him that I will not speak ill of her since it is not my desire to do so. I did say that if the time came that we end up in the same room, it would be civil. Damn, I miss her today, tried to nap before going to work but I just couldn't, so here I am updating this blog. Oh this emotional rollercoaster sucks! I want to call or text her to wish her a happy birthday, to hear her voice but I already did that on the last day we spoke. I'm looking for any excuse to make contact, to work things out. But I know this will just be counterproductive, it has been four days and I don't want to setback my progress. I just have to persevere and be patient, time heals all wounds.

Jumbled...

Woke up today, was going to text, but talked myself out of it. It wouldn't change anything between us, its still over. I have compromised enough to make things work. I would like to have somebody that really cares about me, that wants to talk to me about anything, that looks forward to talking to me or seeing me. I want to feel appreciated and I never really felt that way. She couldn't find the time to send me a text message at some point during the day (when she was off work) just to say hi or see how my day was going; to let me know that she was thinking about me and didn't really see how little things like that make a big difference. Towards the end it felt empty. She knows how I feel and I know how she feels. We both agreed a beak would be the best idea. Don't want to end up in the same spot a few years or months down the road and wish that it would have ended sooner. All the same ongoing issues are rehashed with each subsequent argument and never really resolved, so what's the point. The realization is harsh, and cold but necessary. One's happiness in life shouldn't be dependent solely on one person. You are in charge of your own happiness and other people are there to enhance it, not be the sole reason for your happiness. It hurts, I was stubborn and wanted to keep trying, maybe things will change. Now I see how futile that thought patten really is. She has said that I want someone else, I said that I want her. I just wanted her to tell me that she cares, that we are great together,etc. not all the time but it would be nice to hear. But I'm not worth that effort, and so it must end. I cannot stay or go back, not this time around. If she wants to call, she will call. I have to stop waiting or checking my blackberry. It's called a break up because its broken.

Perspective...

Worked again today. Definitely better than yesterday, and that's always a plus. Its day 3! Talked to Louise and Mel about wishing her a happy birthday tomorrow, they both feel that I should at least send a text message. Deb, Linda, Marianne and Sharon disagree. They say that I should just get on with it and look forward, not back. I did wish her happy birthday 3 days ago so that counts. They all say that I got my stuff together and that I deserve a partner who will work with me and be supportive of my needs and goals. I do see their point, I haven't been happy lately and have just been settling because I fear being alone. I no longer have to wait for the phone call, the routine conversations, wondering what she's doing, etc. I save my self the mind spin that occurs along with the nagging doubts about honesty and fidelity that I have tried to work out since last March, but still persist up to this point.  Talked to mom today as I was walking out, basically the same sentiments. If she cannot accept help in finding a job then how is that supposed to work in a relationship, sometimes too much pride is detrimental. Do I want to be responsible for her along with her family? How can I be with someone who was until recently the primary breadwinner for her family and have to contend with their influence, whether intended or unintended. She had expressed some frustration that she cannot even move out or start her own life because of her family's dependence on her for financial support. All things aside, the fact remains that it is still over between us. I need to keep focusing on myself and what I can improve and enjoy with my new free time. I will always be thankful for all the memories, but I will not dwell on the past or what could have been. The book says that today I should take a "poor me" holiday where I just explore all the emotions all in one day and be done with them as opposed to doing this on a daily basis.


I fear that I will never find anybody else, that I will be alone, that I will never find another relationship. Looking and reading these words that I have typed has shown me that these are things that have not come to pass, but if I focus on them then it will be a self fulfilling prophesy. Life goes on and its up to me whether I go along with it. What I have lost in this relationship is the companionship, the intimacy. I have kept all that I went into the relationship and have lost nothing material. I'm still me, maybe slightly out of shape, but that I can definitely change! Still the same person she gave her phone number to (knowing that I would ask for it) the same person she went out on dates with, etc. Hopefully in time there will be another she. Now I know I will still have to endure the rollercoaster of emotions that have yet to come my way, but I just need to maintain my perspective.

pieces, pieces everywhere...

Went to work today, glad for the distraction. Thoughts of her still come rushing in, I wonder what she's doing, etc. I feel an emptiness in my chest, fleeting moments of panic and despair; that I will never find another, insecurities rush to the forefront, I'm fat, I can't dress well, etc. Then thankfully it's over. I wanted so desperately to call, to work things out again, to hear her voice. I wanted a future for us, I thought she was the one, please come back...then I called Laura, since I can talk myself into doing anything, even things I said I wouldn't do. She was very calm and helped me see the situation for what it was, what would I achieve by calling? instant gratification for a few minutes, then what? I told her how hard its for me and how looking at things now, all my issues with our previous relationship don't seem that bad, that I could put up with them because it definitely looks better than being alone. To which she pointed out that I was settling, and that I should never settle and that I deserve better. All these emotions are normal, and will feel better as time goes on. 
Went to my parent's for dinner after work, so happy to see them, to express how I feel. I've never been one to discuss stuff with my parents but it helps tons. I told them about the stuff behind the couch. I tell them that its hard because they were cool with her and her family was great with me, its nice just to vent. I still find myself waiting for her call, even though I have deleted her from my phone and email. I also deleted all the stuff off my macbook. The drive home was uneventful, I still find myself checking my phone to see if she has called or if I had missed her call, this isn't healthy and must stop soon.


Remember, guys: In the famous words of W.E. Henley, "You are the master of your fate and the captain of your soul."

Saturday Part Deux

Back home now. Had spent the morning with Laura and Marianne and they are fully appraised of the situation. Their opinions have been pretty consistent in the past, and this was a lesson I had to learn on my own, in my own time. Spent some time with the family before heading back. They say I can do better, but I am not sure at this time. I have told her that she was perfect for me. I told her that the spaces between my hands are where her fingers fit perfectly, to which she replied...any girl's fingers would fit perfectly.


Started cleaning house as soon as I got back, felt therapeutic like a fresh start. She still crosses my mind and I know it will be for some time yet. I did read the book today, although in the past I've only made it to day 3 before we got back together. I wanted to call, just to say "hi", just to hear her voice but I managed not to do so. I don't know why the silence feels so different, I mean we never talked much, just once or twice during the course of the day and almost all the time I spend alone at home. Looking forward to the distraction that is work, five straight starts tomorrow and its her birthday on Tuesday (I did wish her happy birthday yesterday). Hard to believe its only been about 24 hours since I last spoke or seen her, it feels like more time has passed.

Saturday

Woke up about 10 mins ago, the house is quiet, there is some comfort in knowing that my family are only a few steps away. Planning on heading back this morning, thoughts of her have crossed my mind this early in the day, and I know there will be more to come. I am calm today. We stayed at Tims till 0030 this morning just shooting the shit. The guys have asked if an engagement is in order, they still do not know. I have dropped vague hints that it is over, the laughed of course they have heard it all before. You say you guys fight but when we see you together you both seem ok they say. 


Just recalling last night's conversation is making me miss her already. I feel a sense of longing, like all I want to do right now is to just pick up the phone and talk to her, to make plans for the day. Then I think about why we broke up. She was never an emotional person as she explained, and was never raised that way. No one in her family ever really says"I love you" or talks openly about their emotions. I told her that I didn't feel appreciated at times, that it seemed that I looked forward to seeing her more than she did. Even initially, she wasn't that affectionate but that improved somewhat over the course of our relationship. I did feel that I was taken for granted, that no matter what she did I would still be there. She responded many a time that if she didn't care for me then she wouldn't be with me or spend time with my family and vice versa. I need to be told once in a while that I am appreciated, that I mean something to someone, that over the course of the day to let me know that I do cross their mind. I never really got that validation. Or when talking about the state of our relationship which she finds "annoying" Not that I want to hear these things on a daily basis, I'm not a narcissist by any means. But once in a while its nice to hear these things, a little means a lot.


So we were already at an impasse. Do I stay and just deal with things the way they are, without feeling appreciated, hoping one day things will improve. Maybe she's still hurt from her previous relationship and is not too trusting or is unsure about my intentions, etc. Oh the ways I have tried to rationalize it all. Some people at work have told me that she's not the one, even before we ended our relationship. But having her around until something better comes along? That's just mean and I wouldn't appreciate it if it was done to me.
Do I leave? Leave it all behind because even if I stay, these issues are still under the surface, just waiting for an opportunity to come out. And no one really likes to hear "complaints" about them. Maybe there is something better and because life is too short to be unhappy. As hard as it is to leave, that was my decision. Our relationship had run its course at the present time. 


There is some comfort in a clean break. Knowing that you were both honest with each other about the relationship and decided to break it off cleanly before anyone did anything hurtful.

Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim...

Be patient and tough, someday this pain will be useful to you. Today will be the last day I will be seeing her, for how long I am unsure. We met up one last time for any last words left unspoken to be spoken, for closure, for apologies. It's hard to acknowledge the end of a relationship, to know that what was once just a phone call away is now out of reach, all the hopes and dreams now changed. The conversation was emotional but not hostile, we are both at the same point with regards to our relationship. She followed me home so I could give back her stuff, just a pillow, toothbrush, t-shirt and pjs. Kind of immature I guess, but it just helps me acknowledge the fact that she's gone. But I'm keeping my Northface jacket, you won't be getting this back I say, she smiles. One last hug and we kiss on the cheek, take care. I turned away and closed the garage door, no looking back. Now I type this from my old room at my parent's house since I am on call tonight. Heading out for coffee with the guys later on. 


Talked to my family about it, they seemed to know right away, I guess we've done this enough times already encouraging words spoken. Emotionally I feel sad and lonely and alone. It's funny because we never lived together, we just talked everyday around 20 mins or so of conversation and she would stay over a weekend or two out of the month or spend a day hanging out or watching a movie. I will endure, I must endure. I will take the time to grieve, to celebrate and to heal. Just typing this out helps...

On walking away...

"There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you, let them walk. 
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you,
coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean, hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you, let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody who left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. 
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

Let them go.

It doesn't mean that they are a bad person; it just means that their part in the story is over.
And you've got to know when peoples' part in your story is over 
so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift. I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. 
Stop begging people to stay."

A letter to her

I wish things could be different, I wish i didn't have to walk away from us. I stand by all the things I have said repeatedly, however hurtful or wonderful they may be. My feelings for you will never change, I hope they will diminish over time. I love you, never have I said those three words with more sincerity. People have told me that one day when you least expect it, someone will come into your life and throw all that you have steadfastly believed in upside down and you wouldn't even notice. That someone was you. Before you, I never wanted to get married or to have children. I always thought of marriage as being so final, I mean people break up all the time and marriage just makes things messier and having children is expensive, etc. That all changed one summer morning. You were there helping me with the move and everything was just settling down that weekend. Early that saturday morning I turn over in bed and saw your sleeping face, so beautiful and peaceful and realized how wonderful it would be if I could wake up to you every morning and maybe even start a family together. I will not mourn what hasn't come to pass and I will always be thankful for all the times we have shared together. In closing, without hope or agenda I wish you and your family all the best. 

First thoughts

While I breathe, I hope. A fitting title for my blog and where I am in my life at this point. This is my first ever blog, I have toyed with the idea of starting a blog but haven't really had the time or the inspiration to do so...until now.

This will be a collection of my musings and random thoughts. I'm hoping this will be cathartic as well.